Losowe Dowcipy
Oh Boy...more warning signs! - On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!) On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!) On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!) On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!) On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!) On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!) On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he...I gotta try this one!) On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm...I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)
Bear Hunting - One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with" The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer" Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear. Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear. "I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred. "Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear. Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass. All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me". Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park. Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM! When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear. "I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise", screams Fred. "I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants. Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again. Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off" When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful." The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this" Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear. "You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"
U of Berkeley Products - There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX This is not believed to be a coincidence.
Turtle and a Blonde? - What do a turtle and a blonde have in common? When they're on their back their both fucked!
Rodney Dangerfield Top One-Liners! - A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet. I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
Driving Test Answers - The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
S.H.I.T (Special High Intensity Traning) - Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T. MEMORANDUM TO: All Employees FROM: Communications Services SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program. Thank You. Boss in General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT)
Red Riding Hood - Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit"!
Soldier's Ambition - An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
Slammin 'em down! - A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife!"
Grandma's Advice - There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"
Up, or down? - There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home... Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long. The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long. This continues for 2 glorious weeks. When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?". To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long." The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown !".
Mono and herpes - Question: Do you know the difference between mono & herpes? Answer: You get mono from snatching a kiss....
Makeout Point - One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine. "Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?" "I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"
Ghostly Giggle - Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie? Because you can see right through him.